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▶️ They call me Tiny.
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Hero selection[]

  • ▶️ Oh, they're back!
  • ▶️ Oh, there they are!
  • ▶️ Well, well, well, if it isn't a quartett of benevolent heroes, here to save me from myselves!
  • ▶️ Oh, great, you've all come back.
  • ▶️ Ah, my heroes, eh, do not dawdle!

20% chance

  • ▶️ Sensational! You've returned to help Aghanim the conjurer of chaos. I'm feeling weak, my heroes. Today I could barely conjure some clutter chaos, huh, it's out of the question.
  • ▶️ Oh, my gracious heroes! The continuum vault remains riddled with subpar Aghanims. They await your rescue! But be warned: before you is the same snarl of monsters, goblins and beasts that bested you before.
  • ▶️ The heroes return! Let us waste no time on pleasantries. Get in there and find me an Aghanim. Their very existence drains me of my power. Without my power I'm just a man in a ridiculous purple robe, with stars on it and a blue moon right there.

higher difficulty, 10% chance

  • ▶️ The heroes return! Yes, the continuum vault holds yet more bargain basement spellbinders. Pursue these Aghanims with zeal, despite the vile monsters before you being stronger, and faster, aaand with more hit points.
  • ▶️ You've returned! The continuum vault holds much darker secrets now. Secrets so murky, so wretched that Aghanim's sister-in-law would certainly divulge each one half way through her first glass of boxed wine at the Aghanim family holidays. Ooh, is Sheila in there? Huh, make haste and find out!
  • ▶️ Oh, thank goodness you're here. Aghanim's powers continue to wane. Please, rescue these magical doppelgangers whose very duplicate existence drains Aghanim's marvelousness away. Return them to me one by one and I will bend over backwards, making sure the dear, dear hearts get home safely. Aghanim doesn't hold grudges against these bloodsucking parasites.

higher difficulty, ascension 3, 20% chance

  • ▶️ Bless the astral plane, you've decided to aid your wizard friend one last time! Let Aghanim be frank: I, *clears throat* I would have been utterly screwed if it weren't for all of you. I need.. Aghanim actually does really need you. There is but one alternate reality Aghanim left. Believe me when I tell you it pains me to say this. I mean it, it-it really hurts. Like, look at you.. and then look at me. Right? Look back at you and look back at me. Just do it! As quickly as possible! Back, forth. Back, forth. Back, forth. You see what I mean?

Has new players

Selecting hero[]

4th pick

25% chance

  • ▶️ Magnus minimap icon.png Magnus the magnificent magnelofagus!
  • ▶️ Snapfire minimap icon.png Beatrix, the times we used to have! Such good times.

10% chance

  • ▶️ Dawnbreaker minimap icon.png Dawnbreaker! Yeah, okay.
  • ▶️ Undying minimap icon.png Undying, that's great! Not dying is the whole goal here.
  • ▶️ Luna minimap icon.png Luna! By Selemene's nose, I knew I could count on you!
  • ▶️ Lina minimap icon.png Lina! Girl get in here!
  • ▶️ Juggernaut minimap icon.png Juggernaut! Yes, great!
  • ▶️ Lich minimap icon.png It's uhh frost guy, right?
  • ▶️ Kunkka minimap icon.png Kunkka! Eh, you know, just gonna be honest, the pirate thing, the whole head to toe deal. Not into it.
  • ▶️ Gyrocopter minimap icon.png Flying in to save the day!
  • ▶️ Drow Ranger minimap icon.png Drow! Eh, don't you owe me money? Oh, actually, no, I owe you. We're square, right?
  • ▶️ Clinkz minimap icon.png Clicked-y-Clinkz!
  • ▶️ Phoenix minimap icon.png Phoenix! Never been!
  • ▶️ Sand King minimap icon.png Scuttle king himself!
  • ▶️ Bane minimap icon.png Bane! It would be hard to date with a name like Bane. Hm, it would be hard to date with a face like Bane.
  • ▶️ Void Spirit minimap icon.png Void Spirit! Huh, well, I'll take help wherever I can get it.
  • ▶️ Queen of Pain minimap icon.png So, before you become the Queen of Pain are you the Princess of Pain? Or is there some other honorific? Duchess of Discomfort, or?
  • ▶️ Templar Assassin minimap icon.png Yes, Templar Assassin! An assassin, a professional killer, a templar. Don't know what that is, but we've got a killer on the team, that much I know for sure!
  • ▶️ Disruptor minimap icon.png Woah, woah, woah, Disruptor! No pets, no pets allowed. And don't say "What about Luna?". That's a service animal, she's working.
  • ▶️ Slark minimap icon.png Look who broke out of prison and into my heart! Let's go, Slark!

Has new players

  • ▶️ Hello, mere mortals! It is I, Aghanim! Nemesis of the Netherworlds! Heretic of the Heavens! Vile thaumaturge of the.. bla, bla bla, you know the thing. World's best wizard, etc. Look, I need your help.

Match start[]

20% chance

  • ▶️ Perhaps this time Aghanim the Wise will institute a new rule; here it is: no dying. At least until you rescue whatever messed up Aghanim is trapped inside the continuum vault; then you can die whenever you feel like it.
  • ▶️ A, uh, foursome of total losers just entered the continuum vault and were immediately slain. So, get in there and fight for Aghanim while the monsters are tired from the skirmish.
  • ▶️ Let's get down to the skinny of it all. You go in there - you find an Aghanim. That's it! Easy! Maybe you fight some unkillable and ancient evils, maybe not. You tell me! Well, you will tell me. I will hear the screams.
  • ▶️ Good news! You've decided to help me in my quest to eradicate this reality of duplicate Aghanims. But, also, and you may not realize this: by making your way through the continuum vault you're participating in a top-notch weight loss exercise. I mean, do you know how much your blood weighs? It's a lot!
  • ▶️ So you think you put your lives on the line for old Aghanim and get something in return? Something as priceless as my gratitude? Well, that is exactly what you get. I truly do appreciate you.
  • ▶️ I-I can't let you see me like this. My magical power is at an all time low, my confidence at an all time low, my lameness at an all time high. Ugh, it's all highs and lows here, b-but I suppose, that is but existence as a mortal. U-urgh, please just get in there and fix this. I tried speaking your language. It was dumb.
  • ▶️ Now, let's be clear: normally the great Aghanim would never stoop to ask a mere mortals help. Aghanim wouldn't empty his magical bladder on you if you were on fire, but desperate times call for desperate measures from desperate world's greatest wizards. So, here we are.

Ascension 0, has new players

followed by

  • ▶️ So, please fight your way through the vault and find these interlopers, so I can return them to their proper realities.

Choosing rooms[]

Normal room

  • ▶️ r Brace yourselves for more.
  • ▶️ r Sharpen your blades, prepare your incantations, keep a firm and wide stance!
  • ▶️ r Press on!
  • ▶️ r Knuckle down!
  • ▶️ r Here we go!
  • ▶️ r Once more unto the breach!
  • ▶️ r Now there are going to be situations where you don't want to kill your enemy, I get it. You don't want to set them on fire or whip an ice spear through their chest and.. what a mess! This leaves you in a pickle. What else is there to do? Mhh, melt them? Close. Melt their skeleton. Melt just the skeleton and you've got your enemy in a little puddle there. A boneless, little meat puddle. Nobody dies, your enemy is subdued, you carry on your way. See? Nobody gets hurt.
  • ▶️ r May Aghanim suggest an opening salvo as old as time itself? Good! It's a little something called the sucker punch.
  • ▶️ r Ooh, hey, if there are any unmelted, somewhat intact skeletons in here, could you keep one for me? I'm in the market for skeletons, not for a spell, just for my den. Think it would cool to have one in my den.
  • ▶️ r Alright, let's see what you've got!
  • ▶️ r Alright, let's see what you've got!
  • ▶️ r I'm really relying on you in here. Some might say I'm, I'm betting on you. Some might even say I've taken thee over. See the only thing that could make returning to power more satisfying is, ehh, getting a little action in along the way.
  • ▶️ r Uh, wait, before slaying the beasts in this next room, could you maybe make it look like you're on the ropes? At least for the first half of the fight, heh.
  • ▶️ r Allow Aghanim the Self-Actualized to share with you a small personal observation. I may be avoiding the profound terror I feel of my powers being left to rot in the continuum vault, but I have discovered a perfect and harmless distraction: gambling beyond my limits.
  • ▶️ r Let me say, before you guys go in there and eviscerate these creeps beyond recognition, that I am proud of you. That's it. No snarky rejoinder.
  • ▶️ r This next room: full of guys that want to kill you! But, here's the catch: you are going to kill them first! Ha! Boom! Viola! Or voilà, depending.
  • ▶️ r Everybody, all you heroes, you need to believe in yourselves! You should bet on yourselves! I'm betting on you. I'm betting way too much on you, but I've also got a hedge on the blob monster and possessed demon knight, so.
  • ▶️ r Okay, everybody, all you heroes, you need to believe in yourselves! You should bet on yourselves! I'm betting on you. I'm betting way too much on you, but I've also got a hedge on the blob monster and possessed demon knight, so I should be good.
  • ▶️ r If Aghanim was at the peak of his powers, he'd be right there fighting alongside you. Uh, near you. Somewhere very close by, but not in your direct line of sight.
  • ▶️ r You get in there and mess these guys up! I mean it, mess'em up!
  • ▶️ r Ooh, ooh, I know a really good spell for these next guys! But, a question first: what are your feelings on eternal damnation? Not necessarily for them, but for you. I mean, if you're cool with the edgy stuff, just let me know.
  • ▶️ r You know what I like about you heroes? You deal out a real panoply of violence. Spells, swords, I saw one of you hit a guy with a stick. I mean you just never know! Now go stick hit these monsters into next tuesday!
  • ▶️ r If you get tired in this fight, remember there is an Aghanim out there who needs you!
  • ▶️ r Alright, here we go! Now, you go do some hero stuff! You hero the crap out of this situation!

50% chance, cubs lair

  • ▶️ Oh, heroes, this one is easy! You play dead! That is definitely what you do when you're faced with a bear. Put on your best performance, really commit! Now, if he starts chewing you and you actually feel yourself dying for real, well, that's just method acting! But pull back, don't lose yourself to the character.

50% chance, salty shore

  • ▶️ Nobody likes gulls and you guys definitely are not going to like these gulls!

50% chance, blobs dungeon

  • ▶️ Now, while the continuum vault holds monsters from all sorts of realities, you're lucky, cause it seems devoid of any poisonous blobs. They are just the wor- oh, uhh well, hold on, maybe these blobs aren't poisonous.

50% chance, swamp

  • ▶️ If I could wield the great scepter of Aghanim I would shazam creepy-crawly monsters like this right out of existence. First thing I'd do!

50% chance, eggs

50% chance, polaritry

  • ▶️ The mysteries of the continuum vault grow.. bluer.. or redder? Ts, honestly I find auras divisive. I know thy grand scepter bestows one upon the holder, but I never signed off on that.

50% chance, demonic woods

  • ▶️ These are demonic woods? Aww, come on. Do you know what I would give to be traipsing around some demonic woods? My robe shimmering and thrumming with primeval wizardry. I would give a lot! That's how much.

50% chance, forsaken pits

  • ▶️ The continuum vault takes something from us all. In this case these little men's clothes.

20% chance, elite

  • ▶️ r Okay, here we go! I believe in you! I mean, look at you, you're right there in the flesh. Seeing is believing! And I definitely believe that you exist. For now.
  • ▶️ r Beware of this enemies magic! It springs forth foul and wretched, gurgling with thaumaturgy unseen! Oookay, I'm gonna dial it back. Look, these guys could mess you up, okay?
  • ▶️ r I must say it's a little more enjoyable rooting for you this time around. Aghanim likes an underdog.
  • ▶️ r Look, I don't want to be a backseat dungeon slayer, but if you have any more impressive spells this might not be a bad time to give them a test run.
  • ▶️ r Now you're asking for trouble.
  • ▶️ r Here comes trouble!

Trap room

  • ▶️ Be warned, this is a trap room. You'll have to work those traps, squeeze that core.
  • ▶️ The continuum vault seeks to trap you. It's clingy!
  • ▶️ Step lightly, my heroes. Oh, even lighter. There it is.
  • ▶️ Tip-toe your way to victory, heroes.

Event room

  • ▶️ r Beware these shadowy negotiators, unless they are offering you free money. Just take the money.
  • ▶️ r We'll see what they've got.
  • ▶️ r Hey! Oh, hey! Just, just casually ask if they've, you know, seen or heard of any primal forces of ancient evil rattling around in here. And you wanna slide it into conversation, don't underscore it.
  • ▶️ r No bad choices here! Wait. No bad choices here.
  • ▶️ r Ooh, see what's being offered and then take it immediately. That's my motto!
  • ▶️ r Look! A small business owner!
  • ▶️ r I wonder what they're offering.
  • ▶️ r It's someone you don't have to kill. That's new and fun.

20% chance, male npc encounter

  • ▶️ r Uh-oh, looks like this guy wants to make you some sort of a deal.
  • ▶️ r Ooh, see what's being offered and then take it immediately. That's my motto!

60% chance, Doom encounter

  • ▶️ Oh, oh, *clears throat* gonna shut up for a second. If Doom's all like "Hey, are you in contact with Aghanim these days?" I would say "No man, no". Yeah, just throw it away like that, or whatever. Just, the answer is no. Trust me.

60% chance, small Tiny encounter

  • ▶️ Oh, hey, look at this little fella. Whatever he wants, just give it to him.

60% chance, big Tiny encounter

  • ▶️ Listen, I have some personal baggage with rock monsters, so you should do whatever you want here. I'm biased.

60% chance, Brewmaster encounter

  • ▶️ Mmh, I too fancy the buzz of a mind altering brew.

60% chance, Alchemist encounter

  • ▶️ First things first, this fella - don't trust him. Never trusted him. Remember, you work for me.

60% chance, Naga Siren encounter

  • ▶️ Bottle it up!
  • ▶️ Great! Okay, a naga siren. Fair warning, they go on and on and on about karaoke. It's a whole thing.

60% chance, Morphling encounter

  • ▶️ Now, there's nothing that he can offer you that I can't. Uhh, no, uhh, heh, actually there is no way I can do any of that.

60% chance, Tinker encounter

  • ▶️ Remember, one man's trash is another man's overpriced mistake.

60% chance, Ogre Magi encounter

  • ▶️ Ooh, ooh, ooh, I know this guy. Uh, do your thing, but, uh, can you see if he is still taking odds on the prowler fight. He'll know the one.

60% chance, Slark encounter

  • ▶️ Remember, money can buy happiness. It absolutely, one hundred percent can buy you happiness. Anyone who says otherwise, psh, lying.

60% chance, Warlock encounter

  • ▶️ Look, I know, we wizards have a competitive streak. We all really hate each other, but allow Aghanim to let you in on a little secret: the dark arts guys? I love'em, they're unhinged. You step on their robes - zap, your whole family turns to imps. Just, huh, nuts, right?

60% chance, Zeus encounter

  • ▶️ Ugh, just get in and get out with this guy.

Boss room

  • ▶️ r Now, at first I felt a bit guilty, I'll admit. Sending you into the continuum vault to clean up my mess, but it looks like you heroes are having a heap of fun. I only mention it, because beyond this door.. I'm pretty sure the fun is going to end. But, remember the fun.
  • ▶️ r Now, how tough could this possibly be? Anywhere on a scale of 1 to 100 honestly. 1 being 'not tough' and 100 being 'unkillable death machine'. It's hard to say.
  • ▶️ r Be careful now. Don't take unnecessary risks, only necessary risks. Like, risk your life to kill this boss if you have to, but don't make me have to do anything. That kind of thing.

Single boss

  • ▶️ r This one looks serious. I don't think it's guarding anything. I'm not even sure if it works here. This one wants to fight. Look at it, it's got crazy eyes.
  • ▶️ r I give you even odds on this one. Eh, probably it will kill you, but, eh, maybe not. Let's see how it moves.
  • ▶️ r Now, remember this monster is probably more scared of you than you are of it. U-unless that's bees or bears? I think.. wait, no, uh, I remember now. It's definitely not bees, so if you see a hive run. Those things are fearless.
  • ▶️ r I like your chance of beating this kill crazy monster, even though no other hero ever has. I mean, this thing is unstoppable. But, you've got something they didn't have. Me, giving you confidence.

Single male boss

  • ▶️ r Before you go in, remember this villain is not your friend. Sure, does he look friendly? Does he make you want to say "Hey, haven't we met somewhere before?" Sure! But, listen hero, do not say that! I need you to go in there and start firing spells, start stabbing, whatever you've got. Do not let the continuum vault corrupt your mind!
  • ▶️ r Be warned, I have fought this vile conjurer before. Well, I-I've imagined fighting him before. I imagine fighting everyone the moment I meet them and then I rank them in a long list of who would be the easiest to fight. Now, Lindsey, she's the child that walks Aghanim's dog. Lindsey is at the bottom of the list, but this boss is definitely somewhere near the top.
  • ▶️ r Okay, okay, listen, now you have killed a bunch of monsters, a whole heap of creeps. Now, good news: I think there's only one thing to kill in this room. Eh, bad news: he's about a million times stronger than those wimps you just annihilated.

Wyvern encounter

  • ▶️ r I've encountered a great numbers of wyverns in my travels and honestly, my first move: it's seduction. They are magnificent creatures. People just tend to want them for their money, but get to know them. Invest in who they are, not just what they have. That's all of my advice here.

Primal Beast
Ascension 0

  • ▶️ Oh, crap! It's the primal beast I was telling you about. Alright, *clears throat* nothing to worry about. Uh, he's honestly only got the one trick he does. It's, I mean, it is one hundred percent effective. He is going to kill you, probably, but, well, let's get some hustle down there. Go team!
  • ▶️ Oh, crap. It's the primal force of ancient evil, the primal beast I was telling you about. Alright, alright, don't panic. Honestly, he's only got like one move. It's super basic! Easily avoidable.. and one hundred percent effective, unfortunately.
  • ▶️ Oh, no, there he is. Okay, on the plus side, I knew he was going to be here. I was sure of it. And also on the plus side, I didn't tell you I was sure of it, because I didn't want to stress you all out. So, no downsides from Aghanim, ha. And-and also, how often do you get to fight one of the most ruthless beings ever known. What I'm saying to you is, it's all upside. You're lucky, actually, when you think of it.

Higher difficulty

  • ▶️ Now, heroes, all you have to do is fight your way through one - just one - primal force of ancient evil and you'll have helped dear Aghanim in his quest. One! That's half of two! God, there better not be two. No, no no no, there's no way there is two. They'd have killed everything in existence by now, if there were two.
  • ▶️ Okay, this time, you'll probably kill the primal beast, and even if you don't, look on the bright side: I'll still be alive. I'm very safe here!
  • ▶️ I don't want to put any pressure on you but... if I don't make it, I want you to promise me you'll kill this primal beast and rescue whichever Agahnim he's got. Do it for Aghanim. Best friend Real Aghanim who's dying.

Lost to the Primal Beast before

  • ▶️ And we're back! I like your chances here. You saw how this unstoppable beast killed you last time, so you know what not to do! We just need to figure out what to do and this thing is toast!
  • ▶️ Okay, we can do this! Let's focus. Focus is number one. Don't look it in the eyes. That's two. Don't turn your back on him. Don't run. Eh, turn your back on him if you have to and-and just act casual. You know, be cool.
  • ▶️ Okay, new plan, we're still going to fight this wretched evil, just like last time, but this time.. and here is where we change things up - we win, huh! There's an Aghanim at stake, come on!

Finishing rooms[]

Normal room

  • ▶️ r Well done, nothing left alive!
  • ▶️ r Ah you have succeeded through bravery and cunning and swords and might and cunning!
  • ▶️ r Ha, you've done it!
  • ▶️ r Success!
  • ▶️ r Masterfully slain!
  • ▶️ r Nobody kills better than you guys.
  • ▶️ r Got'em all!
  • ▶️ r Bagged it!
  • ▶️ r Bagged'em!
  • ▶️ r Oh, Aghanim knew you'd come through for him!
  • ▶️ r If you keep killing like that we'll have these doppelgangers rescued in no time!
  • ▶️ r I'll be honest, Aghanim and his trust issues were sweating that one a little. Well done!
  • ▶️ r Oh, look at you! Give a little flex for Aghanim. Let's see those guns! Oh, hm, you're maybe more the cardio-reps-not-weight-lean-over-bulk-type then. No mind, hurry forth with that fabulously low heart rate.
  • ▶️ r There we go! And there I go, away from this terrible place in the not too distant future.
  • ▶️ r One step close to Aghanim no longer needing you! I mean, you and your help. I'm going to let you go!
  • ▶️ r Oh, making quick work of the continuum vault.
  • ▶️ r Okay, I was pretty sure you were going to die back there, so I already called up another group of heroes, but if you come across them, I promise you, they mean nothing to me.
  • ▶️ r If I had children, I'd want them to be just like you guys. Well, okay, I-I do actually have children. Dear god do I have children. So many children. So, ooh. Anyway, I wish you were them. There, I said it.
  • ▶️ r From the omniquartz roads of Maldrune to the depths of Dark Reef I've never seen such wickedness! I like it!
  • ▶️ r One step closer to one of these flimsy clones. Bless your souls!
  • ▶️ r Well, whoever is in charge of mopping up the blood in the continuum vault really has his work cut out for him.
  • ▶️ r True savagery!
  • ▶️ r It really feels like you're all punching above your weight here.
  • ▶️ r Oh, thank the stars for whatever you're compensating for with all of this bloodthirst. Carry on!
  • ▶️ r Uh, you know you can cast a plume of infernal hellfire that will just instakill everything inside of the continuum vault, right? Look, get all of the Aghanims back and I'll show you. You don't have to go through all of this.
  • ▶️ r I like your moves! I like your style! I think you and your family should come to my house some weekend for a barbecue.

10% chance, male hero present

  • ▶️ r That was stupendous! Even from the one with the weird lump on his back. If you survive the rest of this, by the way, have that checked out.

Ascension 4, last room before Primal Beast

  • ▶️ Oh, heroes, we are close to our goal! I feel there is but one left. One terrible, soon to be inciner- uh shaved, saved Aghanim left.

Boss room

  • ▶️ r Ho-ho-ho-ho, I can't believe you guys! Oh, I am pumped here!
  • ▶️ r Ho-ho-ho, yes! What's my name? What is my name? And you guys did good too.
  • ▶️ r We make a great team! Your brawn and my brains, and my strategy, and my communication and my patience and my interpersonal skills. Most of the heavy lifting on my end. 80-20-ish, but go team!
  • ▶️ r Good work! By me! Being smart enough to bet big on you winning. Uh, you were a heavy underdog at the dark elf casino. You know, a certain mighty sorcerer, named Aghanim, might be buying a new pool this year.
  • ▶️ r Nice work down there! Good killing! Very brutal and efficient. Honestly, if-if I was in the room with you right now I'd be frightened. You're terrifyingly precise at murder!
  • ▶️ r That boss was so much bigger than you, but you killed it anyway. My goodness! Huh. You know maybe it had some sort of microphobia and it was just terrified of you from the start. Sort of sad, actually, this hulking beast terrified, fighting for its life. Tss, oh well.
  • ▶️ r There you go! Really feeling yourselves now! Great work!
  • ▶️ r Yes! You see that everybody, those are my heroes! Those are my babies!
  • ▶️ r Great work! But don't relish it for too long, remember you're only as great as the last magnificent being that you've killed.
  • ▶️ r That is the stuff! Let's keep this going, everybody!

Pirmal Beast
Ascension 0

  • ▶️ Huzzah! You killed.. well, chased off and gravely embarassed the primal beast.

Ascension 0-3

  • ▶️ Man, what a fight! I was on the edge of my magical seat for that one. I thought for sure the primal beast had you back there, when that one hero screwed up. I mean, you know who you are, okay? We all know who you are. We all definitely saw it. You, wow, what a screwup! Anyway congratulations to the rest of you, good stuff!
  • ▶️ Good work, everybody! You should all be very proud of yourselves! I know I'm proud of myself. I did a lot of work to make this happen. So, be proud of whatever it was you were also doing to make this happen.
  • ▶️ But now comes the bittersweet breaking of our fellowship. Aghanim the wizard, you the-the guy, the sword guy, the rest of you. Look, Aghanim had a lot of plates spinning magically in the aether and didn't have time to learn everyones names, okay?

Ascension 1

  • ▶️ Ho, ho-ho-ho, you stopped the primal force of unstoppable evil. He ran away! Oh, he'll deny it later, but I totally saw it! He totally stopped wanting to fight you and he was just like "Uh, no thanks!". Ho-ho-ho, that is so embarassing for him!

Ascension 2

  • ▶️ Did the primal force of ancient evil just-just run away? Ha-ha! Maybe he's gone off to find his primal ancient typewriter, so he can write you a strongly worded letter about how you kicked his ass!

Ascension 3

  • ▶️ By the cauldron of Mephistopheles, you did it! You made the primal force of ancient evil give up! You drank deep from the Springs of Valor, reforged the Breastplate of Bravery at the Fjords of Fearlessness and planted your Boots of Planting right up his ass! Ha-ha!

Ascension 4

  • ▶️ Wow, you've done it! I can-, I'm shocked! I didn't expect this! You know what, I am just going to read you the speech I prepared for you when you all died at the cusp of an impossible victory. *clears throat* Lo, these mere mortals, these four courageous heroes all died doing what they loved. Looking at someone they loved. Me, Aghanim the All-loveable looking down upon them as they die. The last words on their lips were "Glad you survived Aghanim, you were the best of us. You..". Well, goes on from there, but that's the part where you all sound good. Anyway, my sincerest thanks!

Collecting room reward[]

  • ▶️ r Well, you're probably wondering if that unkillable primal beast is still prowling the depths of the continuum vault; hungry only for flesh and bone. I mean, that's what I would be wondering about, if I were in your shoes. Hah.
  • ▶️ r Oh-o-o-o, just got handwritten word here, that primal beast, the ancient evil one.. gone! Oh, wait there's a little more on the backside.. gone absolutely insane. Oh.
  • ▶️ r You know, I was thinking, really glad to have you for helping me out here, but it.. might have been just quicker for me to have recruited the primal beast himself. I mean, he seems super good at killing stuff and might just hand over the Aghanims, once we, you know, build a rapport. Oh, well, it's just the way it goes.
  • ▶️ r Remember, heroes, the primal force of ancient evil still lurks in the continuum vault. I don't think there's any chance you've forgotten that, I just, I like saying "primal force of ancient evil". Feels good.
  • ▶️ r What if, instead of fighting the primal beast and immediately dying, you guys asked him to join your crew, you know? Ah, I bet, he never even gets asked.
  • ▶️ Now before you go and get all judgy about Aghanim the All-powerful attempting to eke out a little more power by mucking around with the continuum device, remember that in modern society and all of its charms, was brought to you by someone trying to eke out just a little more power. Capitalism makes hypocrites of us all.
  • ▶️ Now, according to the manual: "What have been wrought, once wrought, cannot be unwrought." Huh. Possible, haven't gotten to the troubleshooting part of the manual yet. I'll tell you what, I'll keep reading the manual and why don't you heroes make yourselves useful and go round up all the other parallel universe mes. Meet you back here.
  • ▶️ Well, they put a lot of fancy promotional language on the continuum device packaging. What it doesn't say is what's inside is as fragile as a hummingbird's egg. So, in a rush to get it out of the box and start altering space and time, if you happen to press any of its myriad buttons just a little bit too hard, it's going to go haywire and start filling your reality with inferior versions of yourself from far-flung universes. Each of which diminishes your power exponentially simply by existing. Is that a lot of copy for a modest amount of packaging? Yes! Does it also sound pretty important? Also, yes!
  • ▶️ Hold on, hold on. I'm-I'm on hold with customer service. Uh-eh, what's that? Yes, you idiot! Of course I pressed the green button. Uh, hm. Uh-uh, exactly! Of course I didn't press the green button, that's what I said. That-that would've released countless interdimensional versions of me into the space-time continuum and voided the warranty. So, that's why I didn't press the green button, because I read the manual!
  • ▶️ I'm still on hold with customer serv-. Hang on. What's that? No, I have some heroes in there now, I can't get them out the-. Well, of course it's deadly, that's why I chose heroes, I-. What's that? Really? Uh-huh. Oh. Oh, you're-you're kidding? Oh god.
  • ▶️ Looking through the troubleshooting section of the continuum device manual I'm hoping I can just reboot the thing. Aaaannnd there! Did, uh, did reality just, uh, start and restart? Did anyones hair turn white and they can't stop screaming? If someones white-haired and screaming, that's good. That means it worked!

Has new players

  • ▶️ r Oh, uhh, hm, not trying to alarm you here. Don't panic, but using the continuum device might - I want to stress might - have awakened a primal force of ancient evil. So, just, uh, heads up on that. If you see one, that's-that's what it is.
  • ▶️ r Yeesh, did you hear that? Ehh, you're looking like you heard that, darn. Ah, okay, so hey, I was poking through the instructions on the continuum device and I.. I skimmed over something about a primal force of ancient evil or.. bah, anyway, bla bla bla. Lot's of legalese, but if you see a big primal beast, let me know.
  • ▶️ r Did you hear that? Do you see any primal forces of ancient evil down there? No? Okay, good, heh. Because apparently screwing around with the continuum device woke one up. So, you-you might have to fight one, but you also might not. Look on the bright side, that's my motto!
  • ▶️ r Uhh, okay, hold on. I'm reading the small print on the continuum device manual. You might have to fight a primal beast. Oh, wait, no, I was reading the runes upside down. You won't have to fight it, it's going to help you. Excellent! I- oh, no, they were right side up. Apologies, you will have to fight it.

Ascension 0

  • ▶️ Let me tell you what a continuum device is. Capable of bending space and time the continuum device yields unto its owner unlimited power to shape infinite realities. That's from the owner's manual. Uh, ships with an exclusive nylon drawstring pouch, a piece unique, one of one. Pouch machine washable. Device does not immediately destroy the universe. That's from the box.
  • ▶️ I mean, there is a lot of helpful stuff in this owner's manual: "How to turn the continuum device on", "How to alter space time properly", "How to avoid filling your reality with inferior versions of yourself from backwater alternate dimensions". Huh. Kind of wish I'd read this thing before I started pushing all the buttons. Ha. Hm.
  • ▶️ Well, they put a lot of fancy promotional language on the continuum device packaging. What it doesn't say is what's inside is as fragile as a hummingbird's egg. So, in a rush to get it out of the box and start altering space and time, if you happen to press any of its myriad buttons just a little bit too hard, it's going to go haywire and start filling your reality with inferior versions of yourself from far-flung universes. Each of which diminishes your power exponentially simply by existing. Is that a lot of copy for a modest amount of packaging? Yes! Does it also sound pretty important? Also, yes!
  • ▶️ I know, you see me as Aghanim the All-powerful, so, this really hurts to pull back the curtain, but with these other backwater Aghanims farting around our reality, I feel as if I'm only a fraction of my former self. A shadow of my former self! A fraction of a shadow! I'm a pile of magic garbage! I don't like you to see me like this. Alas, I am incapable of rescuing them from the continuum vault myself.

Ascension land 2

  • ▶️ r You might be wondering what I'm doing with all of these Aghanims after you rescue them. Well, I'll tell you. They're all going to a wizard farm; up north. They're frolicking and eating lettuce. It's-it's-it's nice.
  • ▶️ r We - you and I - have a relationship built on trust. So, you need to trust, that when we rescue one of these Aghanims I am going to try to get them back to their home reality. I'm going to try really hard. And you have to trust that I have. I'm trusting you to trust me. It's the trust that's key. Not so much, where they actually end up, the guys, but the trust.

Ascension land 3+, 30% chance

  • ▶️ r Alright. You deserve to know the truth. The alternate universe Aghanims you're rescuing... I'm killing them. Re-absorbing their energy. Out of their eye sockets. Excruciatingly painful, they're dessicated husks when I'm done. I do sell the husks to a wizard farm up north, that part I wasn't lying about. They make pig slurry out of them.

Ascension land 4, 30% chance

  • ▶️ r I, uh, kept it a secret what I was doing to the alternate universe mes, because I knew you'd be devastated. Just the idea of killing an Aghanim. Oh, it's a tragedy. One Aghanim is like a 100,000 regular people, so slurping their brain energy out of their skulls, it isn't something I do lightly.
  • ▶️ r Aghanim wants you to consider this: Imagine the force of wizardry it must take to open a portal to another dimension and then quickly and safely transport someone through it. Now recall that the entire reason you are helping me here is because Aghanim's powers remain diminished. Ergo, it-it doesn't quite make sense that I'd be able to return these other Aghanims to their home realities in my current state. Given the wizarding horsepower needed to complete the task. Leaving poor Aghanim no other choice, but to quietly end their lives and reabsorb from their bodies my own power. Eh, you know, I feel like this should've been obvious to you from the get-go. And-and honestly, I actually resent being the one put into the position to clear the air. So, if it's all the same to you, I will field apologies from all of you. When you're ready. Go ahead.

Killing enemies[]

Only when there are still enemies left in the room
Normal rooms
5% chance

  • ▶️ 60 Stab them lest you be stabbed!
  • ▶️ 60 Keep stabbing!
  • ▶️ 60 Zap them lest you be zapped!
  • ▶️ 60 Keep zapping!
  • ▶️ 60 End them with magic or strength.. or agility, I guess.
  • ▶️ 60 Hiyah!
  • ▶️ 60 Well, not how Aghanim would handle these guys, but the effort is inspiring!
  • ▶️ 60 Just use your powerful spell!
  • ▶️ 60 Get'em!
  • ▶️ 60 Great guns!
  • ▶️ 60 Gah-ho, I can't look!
  • ▶️ 60 Yes! Yes!
  • ▶️ 60 Yes, I see how this could be difficult for the omnipotently challenged.
  • ▶️ 60 Just melt their skeletons!
  • ▶️ 60 Melt their skeletons!
  • ▶️ 60 Why do these guys still have skeletons?
  • ▶️ 60 Have you thought about using a disappearing skeletons curse?
  • ▶️ 60 I think one of you has a fireball spell. Use that until they're all dead.
  • ▶️ 60 Did you just hit that monster with your actual arms? Like, you actually touched it? Wow, you are wild!
  • ▶️ 60 If they have eyes poke the eyes! If they don't have eyes fish-hook the mouth! And if they don't have eyes or mouths, how hard can this fight really be?
  • ▶️ 60 Good, good! Surprisingly good!
  • ▶️ 60 You're doing well! I'm impressed and surprised. Mostly surprised.
  • ▶️ 60 Oh-ho-ho-ho, look who's crushing it down there!
  • ▶️ 60 Doing well, doing very well in fact! I'll just say it, I am doing incredibly well at encouraging you!
  • ▶️ 60 Amazing! Jaw-droppingly amazing! If you were trying to describe my ability to encourage heroes those are the words you'd use!
  • ▶️ 60 Gorgon's tail, you're killing it down there!
  • ▶️ 60 Mephistopheles' horns, look at you go!
  • ▶️ 60 Hit it! No, the other one! Okay, good, good, keep hitting it!
  • ▶️ 60 You're doing great, try kicking it! You're not kicking it! Try kick-.. you're ignoring some first rate advice here.
  • ▶️ 60 Oh my god, this is carnage!
  • ▶️ 60 That-that can't even be legal what you just did to that poor creature.
  • ▶️ 60 That was pretty sick!
  • ▶️ 60 Okay, good, now hit that one. Good! Now hit that one. Ha-ha-ha, we make a great team!
  • ▶️ 60 Look at you go! And look at me looking at you go! We're both great!
  • ▶️ 60 Wo-oh, this is hot stuff!
  • ▶️ 60 Oooh that is some hot chili you're serving up down there!
  • ▶️ 60 Your fists are a blur!
  • ▶️ 60 Do you know any spells? Any good ones, I mean.
  • ▶️ 60 You're a dog! You're a mad dog! Ho, you lunatic!
  • ▶️ 60 Ooh, I think you just broke that one's arm. Oh, never mind, it's dead!
  • ▶️ 60 Oh-oh, better retreat, retreat! Did they buy it? Wait for them to drop their guard, and then mess them up!

5% chance, male hero present

  • ▶️ 60 Now, boys, boys, no need to fight! But if you want to fight as it seems you do, well, then you should!

Boss rooms
5% chance

  • ▶️ 60 I can't tell if you're winning or if this is just a hot mess of spells and hitting.
  • ▶️ 60 I can't figure out what's happening. Are you winning? It's too much going on at once.
  • ▶️ 60 Are you winning? You're winning, aren't you? Eh, should I bet more? I can call my bookie. Hit the monster twice if you think I should bet more!
  • ▶️ 60 I am so confident you are going to beat this guy I just put a new mortgage on my realm and used the proceeds to bet on this fight. Although, Aghanim should note your enemy is the underdog in this one, so maybe take a fall. Or, you know what, forget I said anything. Forget I said anything.

Single boss, 5% chance

  • ▶️ 60 I don't see why they let this thing run a nether dimension. It doesn't seem so tough. It's bad hiring.
  • ▶️ 60 I was watching this thing you're fighting spar earlier. It's got good reflexes, really positive attitude. It came to win! I like its chances!
  • ▶️ 60 You can do it! Beat these stupid heroes, I believe in you! Don't worry, I'm still on your side, I'm just trying to get into its head. These heroes are so weak and soft. Look at how soft and weak and soft they are. Shh, you're very strong!

Attacking enemies from outside their rooms[]

  • ▶️ 10 Cowards, Cowards! Face them in the arena!
  • ▶️ 10 An act of cowardice! You know, I would expect this from Omniknight.
  • ▶️ 10 Bock bock bock, that is what you sound like!
  • ▶️ 10 Oh, no! You fight them head-on!
  • ▶️ Omniknight minimap icon.png 10 An act of cowardice typical of Omniknight!

Players lagging behind[]

Selecting an upgrade[]

No new players, ascension 0, depth 1

  • ▶️ Allow Aghanim the Generous to bestow upon you an unusual talent.

Purchasing an item[]

25% chance

  • ▶️ r Let's go shopping!
  • ▶️ r Buy buy buy, treat yourself!
  • ▶️ r Buy some things, anything, just buy all of the stuff.
  • ▶️ r Don't spend it all in one place! Uh, actually, I don't think there are other places. You know what, go nuts!
  • ▶️ r Say would you care to round up your purchase and make a charitable contribution to the "wizards struggling to parlay the moneyline"-foundation.
  • ▶️ r Ooh, yeah, get some of this stuff.
  • ▶️ r Look, I know, you don't want to take money advice from Aghanim, but I feel like you should put at least some of that gold into a high-yield savings or managed account.
  • ▶️ r What are you buying? Can you buy two?
  • ▶️ r Oh, that's nice!
  • ▶️ r You can afford that? How much am I paying you?
  • ▶️ r Splurging, I see.

10% chance, male hero present

Team wipe[]

  • ▶️ What a fun twist of fate for us all! Last time Aghanim helped you become stronger, wiser heroes by murdering you over and over again and this go-around you're helping Aghanim become stronger and wiser by being murdered over and over again.
  • ▶️ Urgh, gosh, really needed you guys to come through for me here. Guess my only option is to learn to live with being mediocre at best. Yo, maybe I'll get into the guitar, pick up some gigs at a farmer's market, nothing serious. Yeah, uhh, that sounds okay.
  • ▶️ Alright, you're all dead! No big deal, I've got another batch of heroes here, so I'll tell them about all the ways you failed here, so that they don't do the same. See, chin up! No, would someone actually please pick up this guys severed chin off of the ground, it's super gross.
  • ▶️ Aghanim put to much pressure on you, didn't he? Ugh, this always happens. I meet a nice bunch of heroes, we move a little fast, we're getting along like a house on fire. I get my hopes up and then.. nothing! No warning, no call, not even a text! And I'll sit around all day thinking "Eh, maybe their mom is sick" or "Maybe they all died in a reality-bending dungeon". I don't think you realize just how cruel that is.
  • ▶️ Okay, so you're all dead. Heh, this continuum vault is a real meat grinder, huh? Hm, does the continuum device grind meat? Is that in the manual? Let me see. Ehhh, you know it makes no sense they put these things in so many languages. How do you say meat grinder in french? Ah, here it is. Hachoir à viande. Heh, nice, nice.
  • ▶️ You're all dead? I thought you were heroes. How did you get into hero school anyway? Were your parents alumni or something? Did you even graduate?
  • ▶️ Wait, you're all dead? You're kidding me? I barely took my eyes off of you for a minute. How is that even possible? Did you all have a simultaneous heart attack or something?
  • ▶️ You had one job: Don't all die. And-and technically it was a job sharing situation, so you didn't even have one whole job. You had part of one job.
  • ▶️ Are you all dead? Wha-? Well, that is just great. I wish I had never become a sorcerer. You hear that? You are so bad at this you ruined my dream job.
  • ▶️ Worry not, for as long as one of you still lives the pure, good light of the true and stalwart hero wil-.. are you all dead? You're kidding me.
  • ▶️ Oh, don't worry, we're not dead yet! Put some hustle in it and th-.. what's that? Oh, you are all dead. Okay, forget what I said about the hustle, not-not gonna need that, heh.
  • ▶️ Alright, well, you know what they say, death is just a doorway and god doesn't close a door without opening a window, so just climb out the window and.. I don't know, whatever housing metaphor will get you moving again. Find the stairs into the victory attic. Let's go!
  • ▶️ You can't all be dead. What happened to the little fat guy, where'd he go? No, I swear you guys had a little, uh, fat guy, a little chubby kid or.. uh, he threw swords or-or-or maybe he-he made sand clouds, or. Look, the point is he is not in your body pile, so I-I think we're still in the game here. Go fatty sand clouds!
  • ▶️ Okay, so reality isn't going to get sorted out and I am not going to be returned to power and I'm not going to tie up some very important business. That's fine, no big deal. Do you, uh, do you know what the dark elf casino does to a powerful sorcerer when that sorcerer owes them a lot of money. They send Brandon, which I know, it doesn't sound intimidating, I grant you, but he is enormous.

Primal Beast

  • ▶️ Well, he killed you, but on the bright side he didn't kill me, because I'm not there. So, silver linings?
  • ▶️ Are you all dead? Yeah, you're all dead, aren't you?
  • ▶️ The thing about ancient evils is, they don't just become ancient overnight. Killing groups of heroes is probably pretty old hat for him, honestly.
  • ▶️ Oh, we were so close. *sigh* Aghanim's power is waning. Feel the emptiness growing. I really needed this and I understand that laying a guilt trip on a pile of dead bodies is pointless, but, ugh, really thought we were gonna get this done today, you know.
  • ▶️ This is not a big deal. I want you to know it's OK. I mean, Aghanim is destined to an enternity of fecklessness BUT don't let that be a thing. You tried your best. This is what we call a guilt-trip sandwich, which is related to the compliment sandwich and the put-down gyro.
  • ▶️ Okay, your're all dead. Aghanim should have prepared himself for this eventuality, emotionally speaking. While this is a primal force of ancient evil after all, that's on me.
  • ▶️ He is pretty good at killing, isn't he? I mean, I know, you're all dead and it's tragic, but still it's actually kind of impressive. That was like 4 on 1, he cut through you like warm butter.
  • ▶️ I wasn't paying attention. Did you win? Ooh, what happened? Oh boy.

Aghanim's clones rescued[]

Pre-introduction

Aghsbro

Aghsmad

  • ▶️ Ugh, look at this one. Real pick of the alternate reality litter we have here. Let's go, this way. Away.

Aghsmech

  • ▶️ Look at him, full of prime Aghanim power. Phew-hu, Aghanims, can't live with them, can't just kill them and reabsorb your power!

Aghsgoat

  • ▶️ Oh, look, the most powerful wizard from a barnyard reality. Watch as it sups up all of my magical gravy with its disgusting cud. Well, he'll be thrilled with where he's going.

Aghsdonkey

  • ▶️ Are you sh-.. okay, really? All of that, these heroes fought so hard for this? My power's currently residing somewhere beneath pile of flies and excrement. *blows raspberry* Glorious.

Aghsbucket

  • ▶️ Hhh, sweet bucket of Aghanim, brought here from a reality without skeletons. My, what irony! Slosh this way, we'll sort you right out, here we go.

Aghsbarbarian

Aghsroshan

  • ▶️ Oh, my powers reside within this small Roshan. Ugh, it's not so bad. I'm not as offended by this as I might be otherwise. I will spend literal minutes trying to get you home safely, maybe, and maybe not.

Aghsblacksmith

  • ▶️ Hm, this guys looks like he has a lot of hobbies. Don't really trust people who have lots of hobbies. It's weird.

Aghsbath

Ascension 4

  • ▶️ Oh, I did it! I feel so much better! I surge with power! My robes flow with wonder! I can hang up on tech support who has had me on hold for over 600 hours. Oh, until we meet again heroes!

Primal Beast fight[]

Throw attack phase

Pummel phase

Tectonic attack phase

heavy steps phase

onslaught phase

Male hero present

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